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The Philadelphia Cheesesteak Part One:
Proper Manufacture and Classification of The Philadelphia Cheesesteak

I can't stand bad food.  I'm no chef but I do cook rather well and I love to make food for my friends (especially at 3AM).  I'm a Philly transplant and sometimes I get really angry with the way Californians treat every entrée as if it really wanted to be a salad.  California has it's own style, no doubt; however, I find it reprehensible that in today's society a culture would intentionally alter the composition and makeup of a food from another region of our country, let alone to flagrantly do so knowingly as a condescendingly disrespectful joke and quite possibly a pointedly flippant attitude toward that region's culinary style.   For example, should you order Veal Parmesan and receive instead, Chicken Cacciatore, you would expect to be compensated for the mistake.  And should a restaurant offer a certain recipe on its menu and misrepresent that item with a completely different entrée, you would expect there to be a reasonable confrontation and consequently a change in either the representation or the presentation of said item.  Spitefully offering a dish from another cultural region and altering it to reflect the local region without identifying this action is despicable and deserves public redress.  If you ordered a plain pizza and realized upon delivery that it contained mushrooms and green peppers you would fully expect to be refunded your money or brought another satisfactory replacement.

Such is the case in California with the woefully represented Philadelphia Cheesesteak.   There are serious implications resulting from the misrepresentation of a food as ingrained to a culture as The Philadelphia Cheesesteak.  Thus I, David Patrone, am petitioning the United States to halt misrepresentation of this culinary treat and instead offer their alternatives as such and describe them as a regional adaptation, for example, The California Cheesesteak.

For those of you who have never had the benefit of enjoying a true Philadelphia Cheesesteak I offer the following classification guidelines for the proper manufacture and consumption of the "Philly Cheesesteak."

The first item of note is the addition of fillers or "fixins" as American Fast Food restaurateur, Roy Rogers, labeled them in the late 60's 

In Philly there are only three or four things you can EXPECT to find in, surrounding or on a Cheesesteak and that is:
Hoagie Roll:  Amoroso's is the most famous local bakery and is utilized by a few discerning Cheesteak vendors across the country.  Despite the typical Philadelphian's attitude towards the roll, there are a few suitable replacements worldwide; however, they are extremely difficult to find.
Steak: Thinly sliced meat: NOT Roast beef and not Steak-um (although Steak-um is the only acceptable replacement under extreme circumstances that allows you to continue to call it a Cheesesteak)
Cheese: (Provolone or White American Cheese) some people get Mozzarella, muenster, Jack or even Cheese Whiz but these are generally eschewed by true Philadelphians unless part of a specific adaptation such as The Pizza Steak (See Below)
Fried Onions: they are optional although sometimes automatically added and fried into the meat until soft and semi transparent.  I believe the culinary term is "Carmelized"

The number one mistake in the US when replicating a Philadelphia Cheesesteak is the unsolicited addition of sweet, green/red/yellow, bell peppers, referred to in the remainder of this document as GREEN PEPPERS.  This is completely wrong! Do not add green peppers! Californians are especially guilty of this!  Other places have succumbed to popular misconception that this nastiness belongs on a Cheesesteak.  Popular examples are the tourist traps Pat's and Geno's.  There are a negligible few people in Pennsylvania who do this; however, they are most likely transplanted from some vegetarian state like California who will often try to subversively include such vulgar items as mushrooms or even avocado slices.  Another blatant attempt by the California Agricultural Society to forcibly indoctrinate innocent consumers to the evil avocado.   Should a deli worker add these vile vegetational add-ins to the mix without being asked to do so, a true Philadelphian will be prone to jump over the counter and beat him senseless for adulterating a perfect masterpiece like a Cheesesteak.  The main reason that I no longer frequent Jack In The Box is because Jack insouciantly misrepresented Philly Pop Culture by alluding that an authentic Philadelphian Deli Owner (portrayed in his commercials by a Non-Philadelphian actor who shall remain nameless for his own safety) would put green peppers in his Cheesesteak (not to mention the "Sponge" guy).  This is fundamentally and aesthetically wrong.  The intrinsic beauty that is a Philly Cheesesteak is undermined and soiled by the presence of such sad and pungent vegetables and fungi.  If one of these nefarious deli imposters should ever solicit you with the offer of a tofu topping or even miso juice, kill him or her outright, immediately, with no fear of retribution.  You can add "fixins" to suit your personal taste but remember that the further you stray from the original, the less likely should you be to call it a "Philly" Cheesesteak.  Similar to the current trend of calling any concoction that comes served in a Martini Glass a Martini.  At least they have the decency to change the name like "Appletini"

There are other classifications of the Philly Cheesesteak which are generally acceptably by Philly local standards; yet, are classified more specifically as follows:

The Pizza Steak:  Sometimes you may observe that a Philadelphian will receive a Cheesesteak with pizza or spaghetti sauce on it and some mozzarella cheese, oregano and possibly some Romano or Parmesan shake, this is called a PIZZA STEAK  My first recollection of this culinary treat was in the early eighties, I don't know who started it but the first one I ever consumed was from Giusseppi's Pizza in Willow Grove, on the corner of York and Fitzwatertown Roads sometime around the year that the Phillies won the World Series.

The Steak Hoagie:  Sometimes you may observe that a Philadelphian will receive "stuff" on his Cheesesteak, AKA lettuce, tomato, onion (uncooked) and maybe, though I personally shudder at the thought, Mayo.  This is called a STEAK HOAGIE!  These types of people are often difficult to identify as true Philadelphians due to the absurdity of this sandwich and its considerable similarity to a non-Philadelphian sandwich.  Do not confuse this sandwich with the Bible Belt Bastardization of  Philadelphia Cheesesteak which is often called a "Steak and Cheese" and is commonly served in various and inconsistent configurations throughout the American Southeast and Midwest  The differences are subtle yet inherently important in "The Overall Scheme Of Things" which will be outlined to you at a later time, presumably by a higher power, at which time it will most likely be, "Too Late."

The Chicken Cheesesteak:  A condescending concoction which, though tasty, is another instance of American Popular Image influence on the Philadelphia Culture.   The Chicken Cheesesteak evolved, some say, as a result of a public outcry for a less fattening alternative to our Municipal Birthright.  I say, "Screw those PC Bastards."

Unacceptable versions include but are not limited to:

The "Philly" Steak and Cheese:  A blasphemous sandwich that is regionally assembled in a wide variety of ways including the gross misinterpretation of the word "Cheesesteak" to mean a piece of sirloin steak between two pieces of white bread, with cheddar cheese, topped with lettuce, tomato, onion (uncooked) and Mayonnaise; utterly ridiculous in form and function.  One can only imagine the incipience of this creation:  Two rednecks sitting on the porch hear tell of a sandwich that one guy's friend in the Army used to describe as a cheese steak sandwich.    They get together and rifle through the ice box to find a slab of left-over squirrel steaks from the summer before.  Using their vast culinary prowess they grab two slices of stale white bread, toast it to make it seem like it's supposed to be that hard and slather Mayonnaise, Cole Slaw and Okra upon the Rodential Roadkill and commence to dining.  Three weeks later the meal shows up as a special in the local diner where one of the men's teenage wife works.  Since they can't read too good, the name Philadelphia Cheese Steak Sandwich gets "whisper down the laned" to finally be called a Steak and Cheese before someone finally gets the big idea to write it down, in chalk, at the top of a greasy griddle six hundred miles away.  By this time the recipe includes grits, greens and cornpone crumbles. The mere thought of the prospect of biting and chewing this mess would astound and dismay even a sous chef from Chicago.  You can find one of these jewels in the Memphis International Airport.

David Patrone
Consumer and Philadelphian

01/26/2002

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