| Part One Proper Manufacture/Classification |
Part Two Proper Conveyance Materials |
Part Three Proper Ordering Protocol |
Part Four |
The Philadelphia Cheesesteak Part Three:
Proper Ordering Protocol for The Philadelphia Cheesesteak
Cheesesteak Proper ordering protocol.
The following material contains hypothetical scenarios containing explicit and violent language. If this type of thing bothers you, kiss my ass.
In my experience there is no wrong way to order a Philadelphia Cheesesteak, (except to order it from someplace other than a hundred and fifty mile radius of the Philadelphia Metropolitan area.) Many people (mostly from outside Philly) have pontificated on the viciousness of some Deli workers who probably berated them for ordering "the long way." There is nothing wrong with ordering "the long way" as long as the deli worker is not six customers deep at the counter. In my experience; however, even if you do order it "the short way" he's going to be rough with you because he's busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. The general nature of Philadelphians is to be rough with each other and especially to visitors. You will find that a Northeastern Person generally will not suffer fools lightly and if you take too long to pay for your food, or order your food or decide what the hell you want, you will be treated in a discourteous manner. If you don't know what you want, stand back and let someone else order. If you know what you want, yell it out and stand your ground. I have heard many people insist that you must use a certain way to order a Cheesesteak in Philly and that's a bunch of crap. You don't have to say "Provolone, With" (meaning a Cheesesteak with Provolone Cheese and Fried Onions) in order to get your Cheesesteak. You just have to have some balls and if you want to say, "I'd like a Cheesesteak with provolone and fried onions please" say it. But as my favorite Hollywood drill instructor Lee Ermey used to say, "Sound off like you've got a pair!" Say it with confidence and sincerity and you won't even raise an eyebrow at Pat's Steaks, the home of the most notoriously impatient Cheesesteak servers in Philly. In fact, whenever you do anything in Philly, you should adopt this attitude because Philadelphians can smell fear from a mile off. We loathe indecision and when we want something done we want it done last night. Most Northeasterners are this way, not just Philadelphians. In New York it's the same way. Don't waste our time cause time is precious to those of us hungry people living in the fast lane. Order and get the hell out of the way.
I would like to offer these tidbits of information though, When ordering a custom Steak that already has a popular name, order it by its popular name; "I want a PIZZA STEAK" as opposed to, "can you make me a Cheesesteak with pizza sauce and mozzarella cheese with some parmesan on top?" If you order like this, you will find yourself waiting a long time for your sandwich because that guy doesn't need you to tell him how to make a Pizza Steak. If he actually listened to the whole thing he'll berate you in a fashion similar to the following scenario:
| You | Excuse me sir, but can I have one of those Cheesesteaks, only I'd like it with Pizza Sauce and some Mozzarella Cheese instead of American and If you have some Parmesan I'd like you to put some on there and maybe some oregano if it's not too much trouble |
| Deli Guy | You mean you want a Pizza Steak? |
| You | Yeah, I guess so |
| Deli Guy | Wassa matter wit you? Why the hell don't you just say Pizza Steak? You think I got all day to sit here and listen to you try to tell me how to make a godddamn Pizza Steak? You want my job or something? Maybe you can come back here and make it better than me since you know so much? Hell, I've only been working here for 25 years. I was making Cheesesteaks when Pete Rose was still betting on Little League games, Jackoff! Why don't you come back HERE and tell me how to make a goddamn pizza steak? (looking over at the other deli guy) "Do you believe this guy?" (back to you) "Are you f***ing kidding me?" |
| You | I'm sorry didn't know that's what it was called |
| Deli Guy | Where the hell are you from, the F***ing Moon?? |
| You | No I'm from California |
| Deli Guy | Well then, maybe you want some freakin' avocado slices with that, you dolphin-kissing, hemp hippie? How about some tofu slices and a funny smelling candle? |
| You | You don't have the right to treat people that way! I am a person with feelings just like you. I didn't know if you knew how to make it the way I wanted it |
| Deli Guy | Don't know how to wha... Get the hell out of here before I ram this spatula so far up your ass that you'll think you ordered your tonsils "over easy." |
In this situation it is best to simply leave the deli and go find another deli where you can order a Pizza Steak without offending the guy behind the counter any further. If you were from Philly you would have simply said to him, "How about you take that F***ing spatula and make me a F***ing Pizza Steak?" and that would have been the end of it.
In case you go to one of the tourist traps like Pat's or Geno's, you will want to order in the following manner
| You Say: | You Get: |
| WHIZ WIT! | The "default" Cheesesteak with cheese Whiz (NASTY!) and onions |
| Provologne WIT | Possibly the most perfect of all Cheesesteaks the Cheesesteak with Provologne Cheese and Fried Onions |
| American WIT | In my opinion: Definitely the most perfect of all cheesesteaks BUT ONLY WITH WHITE AMERICAN CHEESE. You should always ask first, "Do you have WHITE AMERICAN CHEESE" if they say yes, order it, if not, get provologne. |
| Pizza Steak | Pizza Steak |
| Steak Hoagie Wit Everything | Cheesesteak with Lettuce, Tomato, Onions (uncooked), possibly Black Olives, Red Peppers and in a rare case Mayo (Tragically it's true) |
| Provologne WIDDOUT | Provologne cheese without fried onions |
| You get the picture | What do you think I got the time to sit here and write out every possible combination for you. Get outta here you bastard! |
David Patrone
Consumer and Philadelphian
01/26/2002
| Part One Proper Manufacture/Classification |
Part Two Proper Conveyance Materials |
Part Three Proper Ordering Protocol |
Part Four Regional Bastardizations |
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