| KENYA 99 |
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Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four Part Five
Kenyan Safari Part Two
(Pictures will be available once scanned)
Willy is not responsible for any misspelled or wrong names and claims the right to use poetic license. If anyone who was there feels offended or can remember the correct facts, feel free to email Willy and he'll decide whether or not to change it based on it's entertainment value.
From the desk of Willy B:
On the fourth day we ventured to Lake Nakuru which is northwest of Nairobi. On the way we got a flat tire and we changed that baby in about 45 seconds flat. We saw some Maasai Cow Herders out there; however, since they kill lions for a living at the age of twelve, we figured that wasn't much of an indication of safety. Peter, Gad and I changed that tire while the rest of the bus unloaded the gear to get to the new tire. The next thing we knew we were on the road again and heading toward the tour owner's house for some entertainment and food. After surviving our first safari game rides, we were seasoned game observers and were ready for some R&R. Hemmingway never had it so good.
After browsing Peter's house (like a mini plantation), we got back on the road again and headed off to Lake Nakuru. The ride to the lake took us up into the hills and we saw more tea than all the tea in China. Huge fields of tea plants spread off into the distance. Coffee and other crops were around too but man I wanted to just jump around in those tea bushes. I'll bet it smelled so good out there. We sure weren't smelling very good. We stopped at a scenic overlook to The Great Rift Valley. This valley is huge. It's so big it doesn't really look like a valley. We were told it runs from Jordan to Rwanda. That's almost as hard to imagine as fifth grade lion poaching class. After haggling with the vendors on the side of the road and almost buying an incredible fur hat, we got back into the vans and headed back out. The rest of the trip we sang the entire Bob Marley and the Wailers "Legend" album and ate Slim Jims, Snickers and Hershey's bars until we got close to the lake. Alysa brought two boxes of candy bars to trade and we all ate them before she had a chance to. Once we got close to the lake, Terry and I raised the roof of the van so we could all look for the secretive leopard. It turned out that we saw every animal that we wanted to see except the leopard. We got to our lodge and got our room keys with the customary passion fruit juice and cleaned our grubby bodies once again. Willy and Peter were worn out from the ride and they promptly hit the hay. I stayed up late that night and played harmonica with the guy that was singing at the bar. We drank long into the night, sang much John Denver, Simon and Garfunkel and Billy Joel and the tab was epic. You can trade a bottle of Jim Beam for a herd of cattle there, which is about what we drank. The next morning I staggered to the breakfast table and gorged myself on our daily breakfast of pork, fat, eggs, coffee and funky breads. I hope the poor fella made it out of there alive.
Let me, for a moment, tell you about the food. It all started in London when we went out for Fish and Chips and made a discovery on the dessert menu: "Spotted Dick". It only got more interesting after we arrived in Nairobi. Now, don't get me wrong, I had very good meals there and plenty to eat. Every place we went there were beef and pork sausages, funky bread, bacon, jams, jellies, and omelets made to order with tomatoes, onions, cheese, mushrooms, and all kinds of weird stuff: Alligator nostril cannonelli, Dung Beetle brains, nut of wild zebra, monkey scrotum stuffed with cabbage and parsley, wild boar toe jam and Maasai blood and milk casserole(I can only imagine what Willie and Peter were eating). I ate so much damn food while I was there that I felt like a bloated water chestnut by the time I got home. I've been gastrointestinally unsound since I have returned and I didn't drink the water. I must have gotten used to all of the butter sandwiches and rust-funky cheese. The Stoney Ale and roadside samosas have scarred the lining of my tender bladder. Beth has been making me sleep in the garage. I wouldn't recommend striking any matches in there either.
Anyway, while we were there we met some guys from the BBC who were filming a documentary on warthogs. I offered to pose but they wouldn't have any of it. So I brought out Bob and they took the bait. That morning we went out looking for the leopard and were fooled again. We did see many Black Rhinoceros, which by the way is quite a rare encounter. Later in the day we also ran into a couple of Colubus Monkeys. They are highly endangered and that was an incredibly lucky find as well. Nevertheless, we missed out on the leopard. Even Peter, our ocularly gifted, driving Jedi master was fooled by the spotted beast. Our sister vessel, "The Love Bus" was accosted by a rather large water buffalo who apparently was quite irritated at the sound of Muzungu Shutter Clicks, We caught some hippos having lunch by the lakeside and then we headed off to Masai Mara(Maasai Plains). The next thing I know we were on the road again and had stopped at this roadside place to eat some lunch (box lunch from the lodge). I had to get a little haggling done to settle my stomach after that piece of cold chicken. I think Terry traded an egg and his piece of chicken for a car or maybe a blanket. We all jumped in the vans and started driving toward Masai Mara National Park. Again Willie and Peter impressed us with their incredible driving skills.
People often ask me about the Serengeti. I tell them that in Kenya they don't use the word "Serengeti", In Kenya they use the word "Mara". Basically, the Mara is the plains where lions eat things, cheetahs chase things, elephants majestically lumber along and tourists drive around in circles trying to soak it all in. If you don't fall into one of these groups, you are either one of the animals doing all of the running away, or you are Maasai. The Maasai, or Masai, or Masi as they are sometimes called(I call them red blanket wearing, crazy bastards, with a death wish), are a tribe of Africans who more or less have maintained their style of living over all of these years(at least they hide the antennas very well). They jump around and herd cattle and goats. The interesting thing about the Maasai is that they do all of this right out in the Mara where the lions and cheetahs and leopards can jump around on their livestock. The even more interesting thing about the Maasai is that the "warriors" tending the cattle are between the ages of 12 and 15. These guys, get circumcised without anesthesia at 12, then get thrown out into the Mara with just a shield and a spear or maybe even a stick to fend off full grown lions. In fact, in the old days, they were required to kill a lion before they could consider themselves a man(the redneck Maasai still do this). On top of all of this, they are allowed to have up to seven wives. As if the lions weren't scary enough! These guys are men's men. They only eat meat, blood and milk. For further references rent "The Ghost And The Darkness".
We arrived at Masai Mari National Park after many hours on the road. As we were waiting at the park entrance for the permits, we were suddenly accosted by a large group of Masai Women selling beaded necklaces, wristlets and bangles. They opened our windows from the outside and started putting their hands and all of this stuff in the van. We shut the windows and opened the top and something miraculous happened. Terry turned into Donald Trump. Suddenly we were haggling with fervor and buying and trading like pilgrims in Manhattan. Terry traded left and he traded right. He cross traded and bought on the margin. It was beautiful watching him work the Maasai commerce system and I had to join in. I bought a few necklaces at ridiculously low prices until they started throwing all of their necklaces in the car. We couldn't keep up. The guys at the gate to the park started fingering their automatic weapons. The air became tense as one of the para-military police with a German S3 came over. He started to yell at the women to leave us alone and they promptly complied. I looked over at Terry and saw the disappointment come over his face. He wasn't done trading! The moment the soldier turned his back, we called the ladies over and the mayhem started again. Just as I was about to close the deal on another two necklaces for eight quarters and a Slim Jim, Peter got in the truck and pulled away. I'm sure those ladies must really miss us.
I'm tired, Part three later.
Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four Part Five
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