San Diego, October 18th, 2001

What the hell is happening to David Patrone you ask?

"Well it's a rather unfortunate and inevitable set of circumstances that have led to the untimely condition of David Patrone's right Vocal Flap," said Otolaryngologist and Vocal specialist John Saad in an emergency press conference last Wednesday. "He noticed a bi-tonal sound in his voice during the first week of September and finally got in to see me at the beginning of October when I discovered that he has a 'Laryngeal Mass' on his right Vocal Chord. We're not exactly sure what it is though it could be any number of things.  We're not ruling anything out." When asked how this will affect his daily and notoriously decadent routine he explained that this normally wouldn't have phased him since he's heard of Vocal nodes before and knew that he was bound to get one sooner or later; however, when the doctor made some funny sounds while looking at his throat and finally mentioned the possibility of Laryngeal Cancer, David got a little worried. "Due to his unusually heavy intake of dangerous substances in the past ten or fifteen years, and of course at my insistence, David has stopped singing until he has undergone and subsequently recovered from surgery" Dr. Saad announced at the most heavily attended press conference in San Diego's 93 year history.

Much attention was brought to this particular malady recently when other famous individuals like Julie Andrews, Former California State Governor Pete Wilson and local Television hero Rod Luck underwent similar procedures. Governor Wilson and Mr. Luck were in attendance, showing their support for David Patrone and Rod added, "This guy will be back dancing on bars in three months. That voice of his may not be exactly the same as it was when he gets back up there; but, I can assure you it won't affect the quality of that Crazy Bastard's shows. Hell, He may even have a better voice when he comes back." in response to this Dr. Keith Jay Wahl had this to say, "The growth on David's left Vocal Chord is substantial and he has acute swelling in the anterior 3rd of his vocal membranes. We don't think it's cancer at this point, unfortunately David's history of physical and chemical abuse to his throat is certainly a precursor to possible malignant tissue. This is not a condition which occurs overnight and it difficult to pinpoint the exact causes. Certainly his tremendous intake of alcohol, cigarettes and reckless lifestyle contributed to both the laryngeal irritation and reduced immune system which are definitely factors in this type of condition, not to mention ten years in the Marine Corps, calling cadence and screaming at junior troops. After treatment and subsequent healing of David's severely inflamed vocal chords, we may find that he has an increased vocal range as well as a smoother tone and possibly a sharp improvement to his vocal quality. He may have been gradually getting more gravelly and hoarse for as far back as five years ago."

Len Regan, Manager for Bourbon Street, the most popular Men's bar in San Diego and a past venue of the David Patrone Quintet, said, "We always knew David's Vocal Chords were inflamed.  That's why he was such a hit here."

San Diego's most notorious Crooner was less buoyant than his doctor or Mr. Regan.   He signed to his interpreter, "I've been hitting the circuit pretty hard and not really taking care of myself so I was wondering when the hammer would drop. In July, August and September we were scheduled for over 110 gigs. We had three days off in three months. I think I may have been subconsciously checking my limit, so to speak. When Dr. Saad confirmed the growth in there it was one hell of a sobering moment.  Every medical condition known to man ran through my mind from Cancer to Gulf War Syndrome to AIDS [undecipherable ASL] to Equine Encephalitis in about 15 seconds.  I knew I had something in there because I could hear it for almost a month but I didn't realize I might have to quit singing for three or four months. If I had known that, I would have taken more breaks and backed off on the extra-curricular activities at Casa De Lamb. I've been a little hoarse for the past year or so and I should have had a checkup sooner but what are you going to do? You work every day and you're on hold for like 30 minutes with the doctor's office so you just keep putting it off. Now I'll be at the ENT every other day for four months and every month after that. I just hope the biopsy comes out negative. I want to get it over with so I can start healing and singing again. It's killing me to watch my band play and not be able to even talk on the mic.  Poeple who don't know who I am are looking at me during shows and saying, 'Who's the monkey in the suit?'"
(Translation may be slightly inaccurate due to Mr. Patrone's liberal and dialectically diverse version of American Sign Language.  Of one thing this reporter is sure; that his signs for Gulf War Syndrome and AIDS were unorthodox and probably not standard)

David's family were in attendance all the way from Philadelphia, Pa. Donna Maria Patrone Williams Zolomij, David's Mother, commented on David's Hiatus: "If he was any kind of entertainer at all, he'd get his lazy ass back up on that stage and start singing to these poor people. Look at all these miserable people! They all love his voice and they all wish him well and all he can think about is himself.  What ever happened to "The Show Must Go On?"  'My voice hurts' and 'there are two notes coming out of my throat' and 'Mom, I've got Caaaancer' are just pansy little excuses from someone who claims to be some kind of fancy entertainer. Well I say, if you ain't gonna sing then do some magic tricks or something. At 5 years old he used to run around, naked except for a pair of Spiderman underoos around his ankles, screamin at the top of his mighty little lungs and pullin' double-headed quarters out of his Aunt Felicia's bra straps until we chased him out into the alley where we made him sit in a refrigerator box until he said he was sorry. I think that's where he learned that other coin trick of his."

David's Father, David Sr. raised a question that many San Diegans have been asking themselves lately, "Did anyone check the bank accounts of those Doctors? I won't believe this crazy Polyp thing til I see it," He said. "That little bastard is always trying to pull one over on someone. I'll bet this is just another one of his publicity stunts where he pretends to almost die and then miraculously comes back to life after somebody opens up a pack of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I've seen it a hundred times. I remember once when he was trying to get me to buy him a BB Gun when he was seven years old. That boy saved up all his lunch money and paid his friend Chip to catch six bats and let them loose in the living room at 3 O'clock in the morning. All I heard for a week was, 'Dad if I would have a had a BB gun then mom wouldn't have left when you busted all of her crystal with that broom.' He's a shifty one.  You never can trust him. I ain't gonna believe he's dead until I poke his cold hard body with a red hot poker and hold his head underwater for fifteen minutes."

David's two younger brothers, Douglas and Michael, were each nursing black eyes and had nothing to add to their Father's allegations.

David's band members reflect a similar position. Carl Hammond, David's Pianist for six years told reporters that he's not buying flowers until he sees the "Laryngeal Mass" with his own eyes. "You think I don't know what's going on here? Last year he told me that we were going on tour with Tony Bennett that month just so I wouldn't take that job I was offered with Harry Connick Jr's band. Later I find out, the only tour we're going on was a self-funded romp down to San Felipe in October, sleeping in our cars and living on limes and Pacifico Lager. He made it up to me though." When asked to explain, Mr. Hammond had no comment.

Robert Bartosik, David's Saxophone Player of seven years said, "This is probably like that time when he told the Customer Service rep at the Waldorf Astoria that he was Bobby Darin Jr. and then he lip synched to a tape he had cued up under the desk of Bobby doing "Mac The Knife " acapella at the Sands. The manager gave us the entire sixteenth floor, and when I tried to trash the place like any hard rockin' musician would do under the same circumstances, that bastard threw me off the balcony into the pool. I still don't think he knew the pool was down there.  The only redeeming factor was that the pool was filled with lime jello spiked with vodka and LSD. I had arranged it for a St. Patrick's Day party that was going to be held later that night. It made the next few gigs an experience to remember... if I could only remember those gigs. I still have nightmares about leprechans and I'm sure that was the cause of it, but don't ask me why."

The other members of the band each had curious bruises and offered no comments.

The Pala Indian Tribe issued a public statement offering their heartfelt condolences for Patrone's condition and expressed their regrets. General Manager David Fendrick spoke with reporters about his performances, "It's a shame that this happened at this time because we were just getting ready to ask him back to do four shows a week. Now we're going to have to hire Freddy A. to take his place."

Hipster Freddy A, for the first time in recorded history, had no comment.

When asked what he would do to make ends meet during his hiatus, David gazed at the stage and quietly whispered, "Dance."

The Benevolent Order of Patrones (BOoP) will be holding a fund raiser at the end of the year at the Wyndham Emerald Plaza. Tickets go on sale next week and are estimated at $1000 per plate. It is rumored that David will give a special performance of Tom Waits' "The Piano Has Been Drinking" Get well messages can be mailed to C r a z y B a s t a r d @d a v i d p a t r o n e . c o m